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I have been more than a bit rubbish on here lately. No detailed posts, no news…you may get the impression that I’ve given up.

But while I feel like there’s an awful lot I’m giving up right now, you, dear readers, are not one of those things. Writing this blog opens my eyes constantly, and hopefully has made one or two of you think, every once in a while. Lately, though, I’ve neglected it.

There are hundreds of reasons. The most obvious – I had exams, I travelled, and now I need time just to space out and enjoy just being (which, incidentally, is what one child claimed they could smell when they did a blindfolded trail on the school trip I helped with yesterday – Me: “And what can you smell, J?” J: “I can smell…being” ). But there’s also the emotions that this time entails – the ‘oh my god I’m leaving all my friends behind’ emotion. The ‘oh my god I’m not going to be with my family all the time’ emotion. The ‘oh my god I’m going to be on my own for this one’ emotion. The ‘my results are in August and my whole life hangs in the balance’ emotion. The…well, yeah, the list goes on. I’ve not been handling this emotional car wreck all too well, so I’ve needed to distance myself from…well, from myself a bit. This blog is very much a way of channelling what I care about, an element (and a rather powerful one at that) of myself which I have tried (unsuccessfully, may I add) to distance myself from, so I suppose that is also a reason for my general absence.

There’s also a sense of despair that has become a more permanent fixture, though. I can’t read the news properly at the moment. I struggle to get past the first page of the paper, I look at my RSS feeds, 1000+ unread, and I just let them build up and build up. The world is too dark, it’s too much for me. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel, there’s no ‘one day this will all be different’, because there will always be terrible people who, even against the odds, can cock it up for everyone. I just…I dunno, I feel a bit like everything I do, everything I try, is futile. I can’t brighten this world, and hell, by opening people’s eyes to it surely I’m spreading darkness, not preventing it?

Even writing this, though, I know that I don’t (well, can’t) 100% believe it. There have to be small changes everyone can make, differences that matter. There’s always a reason to keep going. But while I’m feeling the futility stronger than usual (which is, no doubt, tied to this stressful [supposedly holiday] time), I tend to leave the world behind, and that, I think, is the main reason for my neglect. When I can’t make the difference in my own world right now, what use is there in trying with the world?

So I apologise. I’ll be back soon, and hopefully with a vengeance. I’ve returned to reading Who Cooked The Last Supper?, which is one of the reasons that this blog exists in the first place, and I fully intend to keep my promise to profile the various bluestockings women. For now, though, I need a bit of time to clear my head. It might be a few hours, it might be a few weeks. We’ll see.

So until we meet again, friends, adieu.


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