…it’s a year since my dad had his heart attack.

A whole year.

Feels like yesterday. Just close your eyes and you’re back in that dark panic and emptiness, back in that sudden reminder of finality, ours.

Thankfully only a reminder, a memo to say you really should cherish every moment you have. All the old clichés come howling from the vaults, with ‘live every moment like it’s your last’ ringing in your ears. It could have been his…but no, it’s not worth dwelling on what could have happened. Look at what did happen – he was fine. As fine as you can be after a major heart attack and consequent operation, but still fine. Still there.

He didn’t want to celebrate. Ma and sister wanted to, to celebrate his being alive and all. I didn’t know. Seems a little strange, celebrating the anniversary of a heart attack. Still, I suppose celebrating being alive doesn’t sound all that bad.

Sorry, this is so irrelevant to everything I normally talk about. But I needed somewhere to just say, to acknowledge. Some way of getting it into my mind that a whole year has passed – and that at pretty much the same time this year as last year, he’s going under the knife.

Some people are just lucky, I suppose. Some people can eat crappy food, do no exercise, smoke, do drugs, and ultimately turn out ok. But some people aren’t. His lifestyle is so damned healthy and still, one year a heart attack, the next a slipped disc in his back…that’s not how it should work out. He deserves better.

So I’m on a bit of a downer, I guess. Too many memories and anxieties filling a mind that should be focusing on revision and exams and digging myself out of this early-onset-disillusion. I really should have more faith in the world, I really should have more faith in people. Maybe if I had faith it would be easier, but I could never believe, even if I wanted to. Fooling myself won’t help.

I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how someone can be perfectly healthy one day, and in hospital the next. I don’t understand how someone can seem fine yet be in constant pain. I don’t understand why, or how. I wonder if understanding would help, anyway.

I think I should go. I should stop reaching back into that time, I should just go to bed and tomorrow will just be another day. No more anniversaries, no more ‘a year ago today…’, just normal life.

Oh, who am I kidding. It’s not that easy.

  • Good night.
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